It’s that time of year again where Facebook is kindly sharing the memories of things that occurred in the weeks leading up to Mr. Virgo’s death. This is a wonderful feature, really. It reminds us of things that happened in the past. Birthday parties, the birth of new family members, that dinner party you had to celebrate something special. Those memories come in and give us warm fuzzies. But what about the memories leading up to a tragic loss? They can be so painful…especially early in the grief process. Even now…leading up to the fifth angelversary of my late husband’s death, these memories take me back to that innocent time before I knew what death REALLY was.

It’s not like I would change this. I wouldn’t want these memories to go away. I’d just like to have them come in a little gift box that I could open should I choose to see the contents. I remember the week of his first angelversary. Ironically, it was right around the time they started this memory thing. It took my breath away and knocked me to my knees. For the most part, five years and a new relationship have eased that. It’ll never take it away completely, though. Grief doesn’t work that way. Grief is sneaky. There comes a time when it seems to leave you alone for a bit. It walks around disguised…camouflaged. Then something like a Facebook memory, or a familiar aroma, or the way the sun slants through the window, or the smell of coffee brewing…grief walks up to you, stares you in the face, pokes you in the chest like a schoolyard bully and yells, “Hey!!! Remember me???”

Now, it seems, there is a two-toned scale of grief-tinged memories…0-10 on the dark scale (D), 0-10 on the light scale (L). I have dubbed it the “McKinney Grief Scale”. Early memories were high on the dark scale and low on the light. Particularly poignant memories may still lean towards an elevated dark scale with a modicum of light poured in. With the distance of five years, almost all memories are high on the light scale with occasional spikes in the dark.

This particular memory is a D3L8. We were in the early stages of a heavy snowstorm and Mr. Virgo was home for the day. We had no place to go. We spent the day watching TV, talking, cooking, maybe we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie or napped in each other’s arms. I remember going to the kitchen for something and looking out the sliding glass doors. Here were these beautiful elk in our backyard. I grabbed my phone and snapped this picture. I loved the elk in our area. Our subdivision had been a ranch for a hundred years before it was subdivided and houses were built. We encroached on the elk habitat and eventually drove them out. Still, once in a while some would wander through and you’d get a glimpse.

Yes, a solid D3L8. A little dark, a good amount of light. That’s where I sit a lot these days leading up to Number 5. ❤️

“Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭112:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬