There are so many things in life that we are uncomfortable talking about. Death is obvious, and I make it a point to discuss the subject openly and honestly as it affects me personally. Yet, I believe one of the most difficult topics to discuss openly is abuse…physical, emotional, sexual. It is just as uncomfortable to talk about today as it was 50 years ago even though great strides have been made to bring it to light. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, on more than one occasion, by more than one person. The memories didn’t fully surface until my own daughters were the ages I was when my abuse occurred. I sought professional help to work through what had happened to me and how it affected my self-perception. When I started seeing a grief counsellor in October, we did a session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to rid me of a traumatic image of Mr. Virgo that kept resurfacing. Once that was relieved, I asked if EMDR works on traumatic memories from childhood and I was assured that it can. I scheduled a second session and prepared myself to relive the trauma of my abuse all over again in my mind.

EMDR consists of holding the traumatic image in your mind and watching either the therapists’ back and forth hand motion or moving lights, revealing any new or changed images, then holding onto that new image while the process is repeated. After about the third round, I noticed that the “bad boy” was no longer with me in the image of the garage. Instead, I was standing in a pool of light, alone. It was a relief. What happened next though was astonishing. My next vision was of a massive figure…tall, made of light, powerful…holding a sword in one hand and pointing toward the darkness with the other. She was fierce, her face twisted with the anger of a mama grizzly protecting her young. I knew in an instant she was my Guardian Angel. I felt she had been with me all of my life, even in the ER when Mr. Virgo died. I felt comforted, yet again, knowing in truth that we are never alone, no matter how isolated we feel as we travel along our path.

My grief counsellor is faith based which also gives me great comfort. After the EMDR session was complete, she asked if I would be interested in doing a SOZO prayer with her. The SOZO Ministry is a “unique inner healing and deliverance ministry aimed to get to the root of things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. With a healed connection, you can walk in the destiny to which you have been called.” I’m all about praying so I agreed to try. She said a prayer and had me repeat it. I have no recollection of what was said. She asked a question and I answered. Can’t recall that one either. Then she asked me to repeat after her, “God, how do You see me?” Oh, my gosh! I was immediately shown an image as if it was happening right there in the room. What I saw was myself, as a little girl, in a white dress, barefoot in the dusty dirt of a summer’s day. I was standing beneath the huge oak tree near the garage where I had been molested and I was spinning and dancing, looking up at the sky between the branches, the sun dappled on my tanned arms and legs. I was laughing at something beyond my vision. I was free, pure, delightful, untouched. I was innocent and unselfconscious. I was…AM…all of those things in God’s eyes. I had liberated myself years ago from the chains of self-loathing I had strapped on without realizing the root of my pain was in how I perceived myself, not in how I really am. But this was a remarkable image of the way God actually sees me.

My uncle once told me, whenever you feel you are indispensable or important in the world, just stick your hand in a bucket of water, pull it back out, then look to see what kind of impression you made. I told a dear friend about this “lesson” in life and he stunned me. He said, “Ginny, when you stick your hand in a bucket of water, the water level rises. And when you remove your hand, not only does the water level drop, there is actually less water in the bucket than before.” What a beautiful way to look at your place in the world. You deserve to be here. You are important. You are what GOD sees, not what YOU…or anyone…else sees.