The farther along we are on this grief journey, the easier it becomes to lie. After a while, people can become weary of hearing our truth. After a while, it may seem they only want to hear the good stuff. Most are uncomfortable with the bad stuff. It’s too real. It’s too honest to hear our suffering after so much time has passed because that means they too could suffer like this when their turn comes. It’s too frightening to hold onto. It’s too close to home. So, many times they are more comfortable with the lie. “I’m fine. Really.” “Oh, you know…I have my moments but overall, I’m doing great!” Lies.
We tell lies all the time. And we feel bad when we can’t believe the lies we are told. The other evening, I was reading a post on my personal page by a woman who was facing the one year angelversary of her daughter’s death by suicide. She was expressing how difficult it was. Then a well meaning friend told her, “Just hang onto the good memories of your daughter. That way she is never really far from you.” Are you effing kidding me? As if the mere memory of her hair shining in the sun and her glorious laughter is somehow going to magically repair that gaping wound where her mother’s heart used to be? I cried for her. I ached that someone who might have been some comfort to her didn’t know what to say…didn’t have a clue…didn’t “get it”. Most don’t. Sigh. I took a deep breath and stepped in, with love. I educated, with respect. I told her I have no earthly idea what hell she is going through. I’ve never lost a child to suicide, thank you God. I told her the response that helped me the most was, “My heart is with you.” This acknowledged my pain without trying to negate or “spit shine” it into something the speaker is more comfortable with. It says, “I can’t fix this for you, but I can sit here with you and help you hold it for a while.” That is the most compassionate thing I can do for someone who is grieving. And it doesn’t matter if it was last month or last year or a decade ago.
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. It’s more like a stopwatch where you measure the time it takes to run each lap. The good news is, the farther down the road you go, the longer the rest periods are before you pick up and start running again. I know…I still lie sometimes. It’s just easier when I know what they want to hear. But, I do have a good group of friends I can be myself with and tell them exactly what’s going on. The truth is, though…I will be okay. And, I will be MORE ok further down the road.
❤
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength…”
2 Timothy 4:17 NIV