A while back we discussed my nemesis…panic attacks. I suffered my first panic attack in second grade when three things happened in rapid succession. First was a little bandy rooster of a preacher in my grandma’s church who preached hellfire and brimstone. He literally jumped from the pulpit, stuck his gnarly finger in my face, and with veins bulging and spit flying, told me I would go to hell if I did not believe. I wet my pants right there in the pew and decided it was much safer to follow the “Church of Ginny”. At school, I was bullied by a teacher who somehow chose me to be the poster child of stupid. It got so bad I couldn’t eat. She would save my untouched lunch tray to show my mom. It was decided I would bring lunch from home. I would stand in line to wash my hands before lunch and pray out loud asking God to please make me hungry so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was beaten by both the principal and the teacher because I couldn’t eat. And if you got it at school, you got it twice as bad when you got home. Thankfully we moved over Christmas break. The third thing that happened was getting molested by a high school neighbor kid. When I told my friend’s mom, she grabbed my friend, put her hand on my chest, and pushed me away so she could shut the door in my face. But not before warning me to NEVER tell anyone about that, EVER again. I didn’t tell my mom till I was 35. Three things, in and of themselves, that were devastating. But together, they cemented a lifelong anxiety disorder.
I was fortunate to find a good therapist many years ago who helped me find my voice. Once Mr. Virgo came along, panic attacks were a thing of the past, to my great relief. However, since he died, I have had a few episodes and I certainly don’t want to head down that path again. One of the worst was this summer at an arts and crafts fair. I was standing in the food court area when the man next to me started choking. I mean, Heimlich Maneuver choking. I have worked in medicine since 1971. I am certified in CPR, but I was frozen. Suddenly, in my mind, I was back in the ER and they were doing CPR on my husband. It freaked me out. At my physical a few weeks ago, I mentioned this to my doctor. I’ve done all this grief work alone but we decided maybe it was time to get some professional help. She recommended a good therapist and I met with her the next day.
Ours is a small community so I know the therapist who was recommended, but just socially. I told her the story of losing Mr. Virgo and the subsequent intrusive thoughts and panic attacks and she felt I have PTSD from the trauma. There is a fairly new therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that is recognized as a very effective treatment for PTSD. She recommended we try it and I was game for anything to take this away.
My first treatment was last Wednesday. Karen asked me what the singular most painful thought/image was surrounding my husband’s death. Without a doubt, it was walking back into the trailer after calling 911 and seeing him on the couch. I knew as soon as I saw him where this was going and that I was going to lose him that day. Just the thought of that image caused me so much distress that it was physically painful to sit there in the office. On Karen’s scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst emotional pain ever, I was at about 15. She asked me to hold that image in my mind and watch her fingers as she rapidly moved them back and forth in front of me. She did this for several seconds, stopped, and asked me to take a deep breath, then asked me what I was experiencing. We repeated this about 6 times and the thought, the picture of Mr. Virgo on that couch, was just…gone! I literally cannot conjure up that image anymore. I mean, I know it happened, and I know it was awful, but I just don’t see it. Instead, when I walk into that trailer in my mind, I see the empty sofa and I can feel Mr. Virgo standing behind me to my left. There was a small window over the sofa and all you could see that day was the side of the next trailer. But in my mind’s eye, I see a huge picture window over that sofa with a gorgeous view of a mountain lake, the sun setting reflecting gorgeous, radiant colors from every surface. It is absolutely amazing!
I will visit with Karen a couple more times to clean up the residuals of those events that started my lifelong anxiety disorder as well as witnessing the actual CPR. I cannot tell you what a relief this is. If you, or someone you know, suffers from PTSD symptoms or anxiety/panic attacks, I would highly recommend you speak to your healthcare provider about EMDR and see if it’s right for you. It truly is powerful.
Have a fabulous Saturday, everyone!
Photo courtesy of ashleyeder.com.