Budding Peony

I remember the empty feeling when the first Mother’s Day rolled around after my mom died. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. It’s different now that it’s been nineteen years, but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still ache for my mom. I dreamt of her Friday night. It was nebulous and hazy, but I knew I was with her and my heart was full when I woke up.

There are many reasons Mother’s Day might be hard for you. Maybe you’re mom’s still here but she’s suffering the ravages of a medical condition. Maybe she has dementia and no longer remembers you. Maybe you’re mom’s alive, but you’ve been estranged and you haven’t spoken in years. Maybe that’s better for you both and you know being involved would just bring more trauma and pain. Maybe you didn’t know your mom at all and you just want these warm, fuzzy Hallmark holidays to be over with. Maybe you couldn’t have babies or you chose not to. Maybe your babies are furry and funny and full of unconditional love for you.

I remember after losing my mom, other people being showered with love on their special day made me so jealous. And angry. I don’t think my mom should have died the way she did. I think it was preventable, but I didn’t do anything about it because my aunt talked me out of pursuing any legal avenues. So I was left to do what we women do. I picked myself up by the bootstraps and moved forward without her.

“Wanda Belle”

Every Sunday evening, I still think of calling her. We spoke often, but Sunday evenings were sacrosanct. Our conversations were almost exclusively about her and my brother’s health. When they’d been to the doctor last. What new medicine they were on. It used to frustrate me because it was so depressing. But here’s the deal. You have no idea how that silent eye rolling will come back to bite you many years later. I catch myself doing the same thing from time to time and I apologize. If it’s nothing the girls can do anything for, there’s no reason to burden them with all that kvetching. My youngest said, “Mom…don’t apologize. We talk about what’s going on in our lives and you are in a place where medical appointments start ticking upward. You talk about what you’re doing. It’s perfectly normal.”

I love my girls. I haven’t always been the best mom. But I’ve been the best mom I could be with the knowledge I had at the time. And, like Maya Angelou said…when I knew better, I did better. I hope my girls understand that.

I hope you are blessed this Mother’s Day. I hope you find peace wherever you are on the Motherhood Spectrum.   

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“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you…””

Isaiah 66:13 NIV

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No ads on Sundays to honor the Lord’s Day. I pray your day is filled with peace, love, and comfort.