The first change in holiday plans came when my cousin’s mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital and we decided to stay home Wednesday night and leave yesterday morning. Then, when we got there, we found out my elderly aunt fell this week and was too banged up for her brother to bring her for dinner. So, Mr. FixIt and I packed up some food and headed for a visit with them.
As we were driving, I suggested we go back home after dinner instead of staying the night. We have fourteen for dinner tomorrow and there is much to be done. We returned to my cousin’s to eat and then headed home. It’s hunting season in West Virginia and the deer are all stirred up. We nearly hit six deer in the first ten miles. We arrived home, safe and sound. Fourteen hour round trip but OH so worth it!
The uncle we visited is the one whose wife died the day after our wedding. I’ve been worried about him because he and my aunt were inseparable since they were in high school. He still has my elderly aunt living with him but right now he’s doing much better because he is getting some regular sleep.
Sometimes, after being the long term caregiver for a dying spouse…there can be almost a sense of relief. Not that the loved one is gone, but that the suffering has ended. Fast on the heels of that can come guilt. You know you did everything you could while your person was here. You know you were at the end of your rope. But, you can easily punish yourself for feeling relieved that you can eat and sleep and rest. Once your mind goes into guilt mode, it’s easy to start finding other things to feel guilty about. Those times you lost your patience. Those times you said or did things you regret. It’s easy to beat yourself up about that because you KNOW you aren’t glad they’re gone. You just needed the pain to stop. For them, and for you.
This doesn’t happen with everyone, but it happens more often than you think. And it’s hard to admit. Being a long term caregiver is not something I have gone through personally, but I’ve been around enough close family members to see how difficult it is. My point is, if you experience a sense of relief, please don’t beat yourself up. You’ve done a long, stressful, most difficult thing easing a loved one through their final journey. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NIV
I have been at first “overseeing “my moms care and now her full time care giver. When she fell and had to go to assisted living, I fretted about her feelings. We packed up her apt and moved her and she loved her new place-phew! After her last fall, they are telling me she needs memory care now and 3 months later I have to move her again. I can’t bare to tell her and feel she WILL be upset this time. Guilt is strong. She’s 93. Just trying to do what’s best for her but feel so guilty taking her away from her home again.
Bless you for doing your very best for your mom, including making difficult decisions. My prayer is that she eases into her new home easily. Walk strong, dear one. ❤️
Oh my…this was written for me!! The feelings of guilt you described are certainly true! I still have these feelings to surface even now and it’s been 1 1/2 years since my husband passed away. True they are not as frequent as when he first died,but they do happen. I miss him so much!
I am so sorry for your loss, dear one. My heart is with you. ❤️
Been there…done that many times. The older one gets the harder it can be for the caregiver. You just have keep on keeping on.
❤️
Ginny, thanks for your post.
My husband just passed and I am not sure how to be a “widow”.
Thoughts?
Oh, Jo…I am so sorry. I didn’t know how to be a widow either. Everyone deals with this loss in their own way. If you look on my website, you can read some of my earlier writings. I can’t put my finger on exactly which post deals with which topic. I can tell you a few things. Don’t make big, important decisions in the first year. Watch your money carefully. There is such a thing as grief brain. Your brain is foggy because it is trying to process everything you’ve gone through. Make lists. You’re going to need them for a while. Grieve at you own speed. Don’t let anyone tell you “you should be over this by now”. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I hope you will hang around the FB page. There are so many wonderful, supportive people on there that can help you when things get hard. Feel free to message me when you need some extra support. I’m happy to help and to answer any questions you have to the best of my ability. ❤️
Bingo!! You hit the nail on the head. Sorrow, relief yo a point, and then guilt. I’m happy to know it was just not me. Enjoy your company tomorrow.
❤️