I have so many dear friends. I’m blessed that way and I hope you are as well. When you are walking a grief journey, the right friend can make the difference between sorrowful handholding and “OK, this sucks. Now what?” Sue is the second kind of friend. She lives on 10 acres that is home to the Wild Kingdom. She has an outdoor shower. She has a labyrinth. She practices yoga and serves tea and snacks on a tray. She holds my hand without holding my hand, if you get that. She’s my cheerleader and my kick in the pants. She makes me laugh. She lets me cry. She is Mother Earth incarnate and I love her immensely. She always, always welcomes me as if we haven’t seen each other in years. She is divine.

As we sat over our ever-so-civilized tray of delectable cheeses and pickles, peppers and apples and grape tomatoes, topped off with a lovely dark organic chocolate with mint, we discussed the virtue of giving yourself permission to get on with your life after losing a significant other. And to do so without guilt.

There are basically two kinds of guilt. Real guilt occurs when you’ve actually done something wrong and you feel bad about it, such as purposefully hurting another physically or emotionally. Self-imposed guilt is when you get it in your head that you should have done something but you didn’t, such as not insisting your husband get that cardiac work up that the doctor wanted even though it was entirely your husband’s choice not to do it. Or thinking that if you “get happy” after your spouse dies, people might think you didn’t really love him. Or that if you change anything in the house after he’s gone, people may think less of you.

Granted, we all grieve differently. There is no formula or schedule that gives you a clue as to where you are in the process. Some people process grief in a few months. Others may take years. But if your grief has been going on for more than a couple of years, if it’s getting worse instead of better, and if you are avoiding taking part in life…it’s time to get some help. There are resources out there that can help you get through the toughest situations.

I’m going to practice a little tough love here. If you find yourself saying “never” a lot (as in, “I am never going to be happy again.” or “I will never go on another vacation.”) then you are making a choice. Is your life ever going to be the same? No, it is not. Grief changes people. Is there anyone in the world that lived through 9/11 that was not changed by it? I don’t think so. But, we have choices. We may have had an awful lot taken from us that dreadful day when we lost our loved one, but there’s one thing that no one can take from us. Choice. We can feel stuck. That’s ok. I still feel stuck once in awhile. But we can choose to take a new look, make a new choice, try something different. Every day we get up, we have that split second of choice. Good day. Bad day. Maybe just “a little bit better day”. It isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing you’ll probably ever do in your life. But you CAN do this. The only person you need permission from to be happy is…you. Be gentle with your precious self, but give yourself a firm kick in the butt when you need it!