I close my eyes and see her. Fresh faced, a light dusting of freckles from the summer sun splashing across the bridge of her nose…the nose she got from her grandmother’s side. Her innocent blue eyes and ready smile were endearing. Her long legs gave her the appearance of a filly gamboling about with the abandon of youth. Her skin was firm and smooth without blemish. Her hair long and sleek, one side carelessly tucked behind her ear as an afterthought. Her arms crossed her chest in an attempt to hide the budding breasts tucked in her stretchy training bra. She knew the touch of men long before it was appropriate. She felt shame, even though it wasn’t her doing. She didn’t know how to fill up the space that was “her”. Her lips felt the first brush of gloss in her vain attempt at growing up. She lay in bed at night under a thin sheet, the hard-shelled beetles tap-tap-tapping on the ceiling, the heat bringing beads of sweat to her upper lip. She was beautiful in her plainness. She was graceful in her awkwardness. She wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to be free.

I know this girl. I know her intimately. I’ve lived her life over and over and over in my mind. She lives inside my mind…inside my heart. I close my eyes…and we are one. I stroke her cheek…I feel it on my own. I run my fingers through our hair. Did I waste my youth? Don’t we all, to some extent? Would I go back if I could? It’s probably a good thing that isn’t possible because I just might. What would I do differently? The singular most important thing I would do differently is have a relationship with God. My life would have been so much richer if I’d have included Him in it. I wouldn’t worry about what others thought of me. I’d go to medical school. I’d collect more stamps in my passport and less stuff to dust and maintain. I’d learn to swim and sail and kayak and fly fish and haul a camper at 30 instead of 60. I’d be a bit more discerning in men and finances. I’d learn several languages. I’d act in community theater. I’d be a comedienne. I would be kinder to my mother. I’d be more patient with my kids.

I open my eyes and smile. The lines on my face show I have experienced much laughter. The hole in my heart shows I have loved deeply. The callouses on my feet mean they have carried me many miles. I keep that fresh faced girl in my heart where she belongs. And I smile. I always smile.

❤️

“who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

Psalm 103:5 NIV