According to GoodTherapy.org, a trigger in psychology is a stimulus such as a smell, sound, or sight that triggers feelings of trauma. People typically use this term when describing post traumatic stress disorder. (PTSD) This reminder can cause a person to feel something as innocuous as sadness clear across the spectrum to a full blown panic attack.

The first time I remember being triggered was when I lived in England. I was on the military base with my husband and was pregnant with my first child. This was a very large base with hundreds of buildings and lots of things to do. Occasionally, a military base goes on lockdown if there has been some sort of threat. On this particular day, there was an alarm and the gates were closed and locked. No one could get in or out. 

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I had this terrible feeling of being trapped and that caused me to go into full on panic mode. Hubby #1 had to talk me off the ledge. It wasn’t until twenty years later when I was in therapy that I finally figured out what that was all about. I was trapped in a garage and sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old. Ever since then, being someplace where I can’t get out fast triggers my memory of that trauma. 

The first trigger I experienced after losing Mr. Virgo was at a summer fair. A man next to me started choking. Like…Heimlich Maneuver choking. Instead of seeing the man and helping (as I have been trained to do) I froze and had a flashback. It was literally like someone dimmed the lights and turned the movie on and I was watching Mr. Virgo getting CPR again. It was brutal. I later discovered it was PTSD and had EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. 

I have had several sessions of grief therapy and it’s been well over five years now since Mr. Virgo died. I don’t have nearly the negative response to triggers that I used to have. But triggers are still there and can still trip me up. It’s usually when I’m tired or sick or when they come in clusters. That’s what happened recently.

Here I am, newly married and happy as a clam. All the running around and planning and fixing up the home place for the wedding wore me out. The day after our wedding, my aunt died.  Several friends either were desperately ill or lost close members of their family. Trigger after trigger kept coming. I could see a dark wave in the distance. I recognize a grief wave when I see one now because I can identify triggers. I couldn’t do that early on. It’s one of the benefits of good therapy, time, and distance.

Instead of sinking down under a blanket of sadness, I went to the farm and had some quiet time. I cuddled up under the blankets in my grandma’s bed. I listened to the sounds of the old farmhouse that has become such an old friend. I invited the dark wave to come closer and as it did, I practiced a mental exercise. I gathered up buckets of dark, foamy grief and handed them to Jesus. Bucket after bucket after bucket…I let it go right past me, right through me, instead of drowning me. I talked my way through it. I acknowledged that triggers come and I don’t have to succumb to the pain anymore. I don’t have to carry the weight of that burden anymore. I don’t have to feel desperate and panicky anymore. 

Being at this point was something I couldn’t even imagine five years ago. Having this level of strength and peace was something I never dreamed I could attain four years ago. Three years ago…two years ago…I was beginning to see. I was beginning to have hope. I will never be the same as I was before the traumas I have suffered. I will continue to evolve and learn and grow. I have learned to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones. This is one of the gems I found in the flames of grief. ❤️

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV