Before I get into this subject, let me first get something straight…I adore my children and their families. I love my exes and their spouses and their kids. I love my new bonus family as my own. And, I’ve got to tell you…the bonus family is easier. Let me explain.
I always wanted to be the kind of grandma that everyone would flock to my house. We’d bake cookies and I’d fix their favorite meals. They’d drop in for visits…just because. We’d have barbecues in the summer and big family gatherings at the holidays. It would be comfortable and we’d be a close knit family.
Then…I battled with depression for the better part of ten years when my kids were growing up. The medications I was on altered my personality and I really didn’t care about anything or anyone. I was essentially medically checked out. Then came the overdose and the horrible aftermath of that.
It’s been twenty years since then. We’ve done a lot of healing and we all get along fine now. Economics and my desire to live in my home state again took me away from my Colorado family and I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I did when I lived there. They have busy lives and we don’t get the chance to talk on the phone nearly as often as we would like. I know much of this is in my head, but I feel like I try too hard to be “extra” to make up for the rough times I put them through. They tell me it’s fine and they love me…it’s water under the bridge. They always want to do things with me when I’m there. I know it’s totally self imposed, this feeling.
I’ve been enjoying this really easy relationship with my bonus family here in West Virginia and it’s made me consider why. Why would it be easier than with my own flesh and blood? As I meditated on it last night, it occurred to me why. I have never hurt these people. I’ve never disappointed them. I’ve never let them down. They know me only for who I am in this moment…who I am in this new life that I have created for myself since Mr. Virgo died.
I also received a flash of insight when I thought of the difficult relationship I had with my own father. As an adult, I kept trying to draw him into conversations that would offer me some healing from the emotional abuse he inflicted on us. He would always say, “Can’t we just enjoy now and not dredge up the past?” I needed some kind of closure…he needed to enjoy the life he’d built for himself after divorce. His new life was easier than cleaning up the messes he left behind. I am proud of myself that I did the work to clean up my own.
I imagine I am not alone in this. I also imagine it could be just the opposite with some people and they feel the awkwardness with the bonus family and not their blood family, whether it’s real or imagined. I guess my point is this…all families create their own inner dynamics and are as individual as fingerprints. One cannot compare one family to another. One can only do the best they can. And hopefully do even better when they learn and grow.
I miss my Colorado kids something awful. I am so blessed to be able to go and spend a good long time with them on my late summer trips. Still, I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth with these bonus kids. One can never have too many people to love, right? Maybe one of these days I’ll get the whole family together in one place and they can all meet each other! That would be so much fun!
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“This is my command: Love each other.”
John 15:17 NIV
Ginny, this hit so close to home. I love my family don’t get me wrong but since moving back to WNY where we all live I don’t see them as much as I thought I would. My sister always says we need to get together for lunch but if I don’t pickup the phone I don’t hear anything from her. My siblings and I don’t have anything really in common like movies,concerts,etc. my younger sister I realize is trying to find herself. She is the one whose husband killed himself in a drunken car accident and she is completely on her own. Her daughters are somewhat close but still far away.
I finally need advice my present husband is my kids stepfather, now my son is married has two little girls that I adore but his wife feels that his family isn’t important to them. Not once since they have married they can’t come to our Ouse no matter where we are, esp. at Christmas, her family that is a different story. My son and husband are at odds now and neither will budge and take the first step. My husband hasn’t even met the youngest girl because they said no room at their house for him at the time of her christening and he refused to get a hotel room. Now I was there to help them out and watched her for a month. My son thinks hubby and I should spend the w/e together and get a hotel room. Well needless to say we don’t go and visit them in Philadelphia. I can’t pick sides but sometimes I get torn apart. I wish one of them would give in and bury the hatch
Sorry to cry on your shoulder but sometimes I get so upset ?!
Family dynamics can be so complicated. I have learned I can’t change anyone else…I can only change how I react. I’ve also learned when I feel all those feelings welling up and I get to feeling overwhelmed and upset is exactly the time I need to turn to Jesus and say, “Oh, hey…I’m sorry. I was trying to do the heavy lifting again. My bad! Here…can you take this for me?” He always carries it…till I forget and pick it up again. We are women…we are moms…so, therefore, we think we are the fixers. My heart is with you, dear one. ❤️
I am so fortunate to have 2 bonus daughters and 2 wonderful granddaughters from my marriage. We count all children ( my 2 and his 2) and Grands ( his 2 and my 4) as ours. We treat them as ours, gift them as ours, and love them as ours. I am so blessed!
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You are blessed … and wise enough to realize it . We have no family , just the two of us … and God . I really , really understand your comments about your dad. Sadly ,I think I allowed basically the same situation to affect me in such a negative way for decades . God has given me a far better life with love I never ever thought I would have . Although I am fearful each step will bring a shattered step due to my bones , I am still praying for healing bc I still believe God heals . Even though we don’t have a family , how blessed we are that we have Almighty God . I so enjoy your keen insight about life , and bc I am basically housebound , I love to ” travel ” through your blog ! Thanks for sharing your world .
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I relate so much to everything you said. As a mother of three children I always dreamed of being a grandma someday. We’d have big family gatherings like I had growing up with my grandparents. Then my oldest son was in a car accident that left him severely brain damaged. My daughter found out she was unable to have children. My other son has no desire for children of his own, but he married a woman with two kids. He’s a great stepdad and loves them like his own. They were 11 and 14 when they came into our lives. So after many years and heartache, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have grandbabies, at least I have two kids who call me grandma and we love each other. No big family gathering though, my family is scattered in several different states.
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