The last week or two I’ve alluded to some rumblings going on. Like Old Faithful, these are the seismic sensations I get when I know I’m getting close to something inside. It usually erupts and a new layer gets opened up and I get to play emotional archeologist. It’s amazing what I find inside. You’d think after all the years I’ve spent excavating my mind and heart and soul I’d be done by now. But, alas…outer space is NOT the final frontier. Inner space is.
We’ve talked a lot about the fog of grief lately. Even though we all experience grief differently, there seems to be a general consensus that we live in some sort of foggy nether world for some time after the death of a loved one. I can tell you from personal experience, I don’t remember much of the first year. I’m glad I have this blog as my touchstone so I can go back to see where I was and what I was doing. The second year was harder because I was more aware of what was going on around me. I was beginning to let myself actually feel what was going on and sort some of it out. It was a year of incredible personal growth and I found strength I had no idea I possessed. I’m a little over halfway through my third year now. I’m not floundering but I’m not necessarily thriving either. I’m kind of in this ethereal space akin to a mother’s womb…safe, secure, nurturing, but still, quiet. It’s not a bad thing. It’s kind of like a pit stop in a big race. I’m getting my engine lubed and my tires changed because there’s some big laps ahead of me.
I’m waking up more and more. Honestly? I’m kind of surprised I lived through losing Mr. Virgo. I didn’t think I would. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I never would have hurt myself. I just thought maybe all that stress and pain would have caused an illness or a heart attack or something. But, thank God…I’m still here. And along with that comes a whole new realization. I really COULD live another 20…30…gosh, even 40 years. That’s a sobering thought. That’s a lot of living. That’s a whole career. That’s five…maybe ten presidencies! Holy crap!
It’s a good thing sparkles don’t rust!
❤️
“Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness.”
Proverbs 16:31 NIV