I had kinda forgotten what grief feels like in your body. It’s been over eight years now since I lost Mr. Virgo. I forgot the heavy sighs…that feeling like you just can’t quite take in a deep enough breath. I forgot the deep ache in my chest that physically feels like you’ve been punched in the solar plexus. I forgot how your body hurts…sort of like when you’re coming down with a bad cold.

I have no real appetite. The tears sit behind my eyes till they can’t anymore then they spill over. I know my friend is fine now. I know the pain she had in her back is gone and she’s healed and beautiful and young and free. She’s probably got the angels rolling in the aisles…if they have aisles in Heaven. She’s with her sister and her mom and her dad and all her loved ones that left before us. She’s probably already looked up every musician she ever loved that’s gone before us and is listening to better live music than any she sought out here.

But, I’m selfish. I want to keep texting with her and laughing at the absurdities of people and life in general. I want to meet her for dinner and go sit by the river and listen to some great guitar aficionado. I want her to answer all my questions, like “Who do I call to get a new roof on the house?” I want her to text me in the morning to say, “Link’s broken” so I’ll know to go fix my morning post. I want her to call me from her car as she is heading to yet another meeting just to tell me they’re having a sale on turkeys at the Pig.

We are gathering today to remember…seriously, the funniest woman I’ve ever known. And the world is a little less sparkly. She didn’t want a service. She just wanted her friends to gather and share stories and laugh. I’ll bet dollars to donuts there will be music by the Zac Brown Band playing in the background at the funeral home. I sent photos from my phone to add to those collected from her many other friends for a slide show.

It’s just barely begun to feel real to me. I went all day yesterday without crying. Because I know she’s ok. I know we can’t understand why God takes people when He does. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change the course of Sparky’s passing. I think it’s perfectly natural to feel some guilt. You know…all the “if onlys” and “I should haves”. A wise friend told me to put that **** in a bag, tie it up tight, and give it to God…and DON’T keep taking it back and peeking in to see if He’s taken care of it for you.

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone who was such a huge part of your everyday life. But, I’ll learn to navigate around the Sparky-sized hole in my heart and I won’t fall in every time I think of her. I can hear her now. She could swear till a sailor blushed. The socially acceptable version would sound something like, “Snap out of it!” Yeah…that’s not what I’ll hear her saying though. If you knew her…you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you didn’t, you can well imagine.

I am actually looking forward to gathering with our friends and fellow classmates and sharing our grief and our memories. I can guarantee there will be tears…but there will be plenty of laughter, too. So, my dear Sparky…it’ll never be goodbye. It’ll only be…wait for us among the stars. We’ll be along, one of these days. Till then…this song’s for you.

Bittersweet by Zac Brown Band

❄️

“Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.”

1 John 3:2 ESV