I was interviewed yesterday for an article for a major financial company. The topic was whether widows find navigating finances difficult in grief. I asked her how long she had to discuss this and suggested she put on a pot of tea. For me, dealing with finances was one of the most difficult aspects of my grief process aside from the fact my husband died. I was terribly unprepared and totally unknowledgeable.
I’m the first to admit I was a spoiled princess. Money was always the source of arguments in my house growing up so that carried over into my marriages. Being the wife of a doctor, money wasn’t really tight. I had a checking account that wasn’t really monitored. What I thought was just “not worrying” turned out to be “highly irresponsible.” Mr. Virgo and I had separate accounts and we both had good jobs. I just didn’t worry about it. I’d ask his opinion. I had a financial advisor but he wasn’t necessarily overly involved. I just left my IRA with him and hoped for the best.
Mr. Virgo often commented that I should find a different advisor because he didn’t think the guy was doing much for me. But, since it was my money from my divorce, he left it to me to make my own decisions. Money talk makes me highly uncomfortable so I decided the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. It was easier to just stay where I was. An ostrich with my head in the sand.
Then the unthinkable happened. You are never prepared entirely. I sure could have been more knowledgeable though. A friend suggested a Christian financial advisor. After meeting with her, I moved my IRA over and started learning about being a responsible steward for the gifts God gave me. This is what the journalist and I discussed during the interview.
We talked about some of the difficult decisions I had to make. Selling the house was major. Getting rid of 95% of my personal belongings and downsizing from a three bedroom house into a thirty foot camper was a challenge. Traveling across the country and trying to help my elderly aunt was difficult. Whenever I am interviewed about the early period of grief, it really strikes me how much territory I have covered since Mr. Virgo died.
The first thing I did when I hung up the phone was text my girlfriends and remind them to have that difficult conversation about end of life decisions. Know where everything is. Have a notebook with all the accounts and passwords. If you go over to my website, there is a link there where you can purchase an excellent book called The LastingMatters Organizer by my friend, Barb Sedoric. I wish I would have had something like this before I so unexpectedly became a widow.
Do you know what a crucible is? When you have raw ore, you place it in a crucible and heat it up to ultra high temperatures. This burns off the impurities and leaves you with something stronger, better, precious. Grief is a crucible that turned my gritty “sand” into colorful glass that reflects the light in a million different directions. It’s not till I’m forced to turn around and look that I can see how far I’ve come. ❤️
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2 NIV
Good advice, I’ve always handled the monies between my hubby and I, I pay the bills, i make all the money decisions, He has no idea about anything. Only what i explain to him.We are both retired and live on S/S. I doubt if he even knows what his check is. He is happy as long as the bills are paid. He could care less about money. He never carries any cash, debit card, or credit card. Always gets from me. He has a short term memory loss, so it wouldn’t do any good to tell him.But life and love goes on and on.
Hugs
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Ginny, I was so lucky with my husband. He encouraged me to become financially independent and how to invest my money. Because of that I live comfortably for the most part. I am so grateful he made sure that I learned how to manage my money so I would not have to worry about the future. We never argued about money. I miss him terribly.
I’m so glad you did this! ❤️
Greg and I have talked about this some. When we first got married, I handle the money matters. I’m not very good at it. A few years into marriage, Greg took over. He is really good. But honestly, I don’t have a clue. And that is not good. My IRA is handled by a very good company. I trust them completely. But,if Greg was to die suddenly. I wouldn’t have a clue. Thanks for reminding me, we need to fix this, and start doing this together. Thanks again.
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you can call your FA and request a conference to discuss your holdings, strategy, and how to keep your records. Stress that you need to know, but in layperson’s terms. Let them know you want monthly or quarterly contacts and find out if they offer any educational tools for the layperson. The ‘squeaky wheel rule’ applies here–they will update and keep in verbal contact with you if they know you require it.
Absolutely sound advice, Sue! That’s why I went with the woman who specializes in women in transition. I have learned more about my money in the last three years than I did my entire life. It helps being married to a frugal man who is teaching me a lot about watching your pennies. When we first started going together, we went grocery shopping. I am embarrassed to say, I have always just gone in and bought what I wanted without paying attention to the price. Not anymore. Positive changes can come no matter how far down the road you have traveled! ❤️
I did handle the money in my marriage but after my husband died I made a few drastic money mistakes. I advise widows to delay financial decisions for at least 1 yr.
You aren’t alone, Pam! ❤️