I was washing dishes the other day and noticed I have one more week before my temporary plates expire on the camper. They expire a week later on the truck. So, not being one to wait till the last minute, I headed off to the county seat where I live. Tiny town. No luck. You can renew tags and licenses there, but if it’s a new vehicle, you have to go to the “big city”. Ok, no problem. I drove through the snow. (What? Why didn’t I go last week when it was 70 degrees? Ummmmm….I give up. Why didn’t I?) I stood in line. I got out my license, my insurance cards, and my titles.

“Next!”

“Hi there! I just moved here from Colorado and I need to get my WV plates.” Big smile.

“Ok, let me see the titles.”

Hand over the appropriate paperwork.

“Ok, these are exactly what you need. You’ll have to fill out this application form…one for each. Now, let’s see. Is this the only name you’ve had?”

“Ummmm, no.”

“How many times have you been married?”

“Ummmm, three?”

Stare. “Uh-huh…ok then. I need to see all of your marriage licenses and divorce decrees. I need your birth certificate, your Social Security card, and your proof of insurance.”

“Say what?”

Repeats previous statement.

“Well, here’s my proof of insurance card.”

“Ma’am, that’s a Colorado card. I need a WV insurance card.”

“But, it’s a national company!”

Repeats previous statement.

“Ok…how do I get that?”

“You go to a local insurance agent and GET one.”

“But, I have a Colorado license. I HAVE to be who I say I am or they wouldn’t have given me one.”

“Ma’am, we have no IDEA what the laws are in Colorado!” (Translation: You all are a bunch of pot smoking hippies out there in Colorado! Who knows WHAT kind of laws you’re gonna pass now!)

“But, we live in the same country! Colorado and West Virginia are both in America!”

Stare.

“Is that all I need?”

“No. You need two items that have your name and your WV address on them. Like your utility bill.”

“I don’t have a utility bill. I live in a camper.”

“Well, a rental agreement.”

“Ummmmm, I live in my camper on my uncle’s farm so I can take care of his sister…my aunt. I don’t own a house, I don’t rent, and I don’t have utilities.”

Condescending stare. “Oh. Well, you can have your aunt fill this out and it says you live there.”

Cool.

“Ok, so…let me get this straight. I need a WV insurance card, my birth certificate, my first marriage license, my first divorce decree, my second marriage license, my second divorce decree, my third marriage license, my old driver’s license, my Social Security card, and an affidavit from my aunt that says I am who I say I am and that I live where I say I live. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Honey, you know? I think you might have misunderstood me. I want a new license and new plates. I’m not applying to run for governor!”

“Oh, it’s much easier to run for governor. FAR less paperwork. You can apply over at the court house.”

I pause, staring at the forms…frowning.

“Did you need anything else?”

“Yes. I’m looking for the place where it says you will be wanting my left kidney and my first born child!”

Stare.

“Next!”