Grief speaks to us in tongues…a voice only God truly understands. The Holy Spirit is the interpreter. And sometimes he only whispers so you must listen carefully. If you miss His more subtle cues, He likely will hit you a little harder.
I keep pushing and pushing. I say, “Ahhhh…finally I can sit down and write.” And, before I know it, I’m up and off again. My good friend Jamie says you can’t busy your way through grief. And, just because I’m coping and busy and happy doesn’t mean I don’t still grieve. I do. It’s just different now.
Wednesday was a very long, extremely busy, action-packed day. From climbing the steps five times and kayaking with two high school friends to meeting a friend for a picnic by the river to meeting more friends for dinner, I fell into bed late and sank into the deep sleep of exhaustion. I woke up yesterday morning very early and had my cereal and coffee and checked into Facebook. There I learned of the death of yet another classmate after a seventeen year battle with breast cancer. And I felt the clouds roll in.
I was suddenly exhausted, went back to bed and slept another hour only to awaken feeling quite ill. I was sick for a solid three hours and had to move my schedule around. That’s when I finally listened.
“Slow down, child. You aren’t breathing. You can’t possibly hear Me if you keep up this pace.”
So, I stopped. I breathed deep. I prioritized. I changed some things. I asked for help. I prayed. I slept. Because, I had the presentation on the Prayer of Jabez scheduled for last night and I sure didn’t want to miss that! I had a little talk with God.
“Oh, God…I’m feeling so sick. Please, take this away!”
“Ahhhh, I’ve got your attention, I see. You’re not at your best today. What’s wrong?”
“I overdid it yesterday. I’m exhausted. And…you took another one of my friends home. And my heart is hurting and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I thought the waves of grief were gone!”
“My child, my child…I can’t take them away and make you complete and comfortable. If I did, what would you need ME for?”
“Look, I’m giving this talk tonight. I don’t know how many people you are bringing this time. I’ve been praying the Prayer of Jabez for almost a year now. You have exploded my world. But it’s too much! You’ve got the wrong girl. I can’t do all this!”
“Oh…really? You “can’t”? Think about it for a minute. What would you need to have in order to do this successfully? Less fear? If you fear less, you don’t need Me. I want you to need Me. That’s what the Prayer of Jabez is all about. You ask Me to bless you, indeed. I am. You ask Me to expand your territory. I have. You ask Me to walk with you. I do. You ask Me to keep evil far away from you so you don’t feel pain. I do, but there’s a catch. You have to hold up your end of the stick. You have to pray and avoid sin and seek me in all that you do. Look at you! You’re so “busy”! I’ve missed these little chats.”
“I know. I keep busy to avoid pain. And loneliness. I make excuses not to talk because sometimes what You have to tell me, I don’t want to hear.”
“Yes, that’s when I force you to your knees. So, what do you want from Me?”
“Well, if You’re going to expand my territory and put me out there to bring Your light into the world, You’re going to have to make me stronger.”
“Oh, you and Thomas. Forever doubters. You think you aren’t strong enough to do this? I have everything you need to do exactly what I put you here to do. All you need to do ask. Every…single…time. Just ask. Then Seek. Then Knock. Matthew has this in the seventh book, seventh chapter. Just do those three things. Ask…Seek…Knock. And, it’s yours. It’s not easy being a Gimper for God.”
And, it’s not.
But a couple hours of rest, some ginger ale and saltines…and a long visit with God…and I was good to go. That, and blowing out one end of the candle.
❤️
“For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.”
Proverbs 2:6 KJV