I have an excessive fear of abandonment. Oh, it’s not as bad as it was before I met Mr. Virgo, but it’s still something I deal with in life and relationships. The fear of abandonment is primal. It can help us form bonds in relationships. But it can also sabotage us at every turn when it’s given too much fuel.

My fear of abandonment was probably ingrained by a combination of an alcoholic father who was unpredictable and being sexually abused by a neighborhood boy when I was 8 years old. When I confided in my friend’s mom, she literally pushed me out the door and told me never to say that to anyone ever again. I didn’t tell my mom till I was 35 because I couldn’t risk being rejected by her, too. This fear could be as simple as insisting I get a pair of shoes that were obviously too small for me when I was ten. I was certain I would never have another pair of shoes. Or, it could be the driving force of seeking reassurance and undying love of those I care about for fear I will be left alone. I’m sure you all know someone like that. Clingy, cloying, a million I-love-you’s is never enough. It’s a battle that is not easily won.

I recently read an excellent blog post by Susan Anderson, psychotherapist, author, workshop leader, and founder of Abandonment Recovery Movement “How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment: 7 Dos and 10 Don’ts” is spot on and worth the read if you find yourself hearing this never ending playlist in your head.

Losing Mr. Virgo could have been the biggest, baddest abandonment ever. But, while I was left alone, it wasn’t on purpose. He didn’t choose to leave me. That’s a whole different thing than being left on purpose. My youngest grand daughter taught me that the night we buried her Papa. We went to a restaurant for dinner and she took a napkin and drew a circle with an X in it and handed it to me. I asked her what it was. She said, “You put this on Papa’s pillow to remind you he died. He didn’t just go on vacation without you.” She was five. Being left on purpose is a fate worse than death to a five-year-old. She wanted me to understand he didn’t mean to leave me. She also wanted me to understand he wasn’t coming back. There was no need to fool myself.

The words of a brave little girl echo in my mind and my heart and have helped me so much. I seek to replace the unhealthy with the healthy aspects of this inordinate fear that sometimes still overwhelms me. We are all works of art. Unfinished, terrifyingly beautiful works of art.

❤️

“No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Joshua 1:5