I’m a perfectionist to the point that I sometimes don’t attempt something if I think it’ll be a flop. I don’t like failure or feeling “less than.” It stems from a lifetime of trying to earn my dad’s love and approval. I couldn’t do much right in his eyes, and I felt rejected. Therefore, most of my life was spent trying to gain my father’s acceptance by being a perfectionist and overachiever in relationships. You know the type…the wife who makes excuses like “He’s just overworked.” Or, “He didn’t really mean it.” All while trying to bend myself like a pretzel to become who I thought I needed to be to receive love. 

I discussed this with a psychiatrist back in the ‘90s. He listened carefully then, sitting back in his chair, he asked, “What does Ginny want?” I was confused by the question because I really had no idea WHO Ginny was, let alone what I wanted. Towards the end of my therapy, he looked at me pensively. 

“You know…no matter how many relationships you have or how perfect you try to be or how twisted you bend to be what someone else thinks you should be, you’re never going to get your dad’s love.”

Wow. That stung.

He was right, of course. Until I learned how to just be myself, to truly accept who I am, and then be that person…I would just continue to go through men like shoes. This was when my second marriage was failing. I’d love to say I took that advice to heart in my next marriage, but I didn’t make much progress on that before I married Mr. Virgo. He was SO handsome and I was still stinging after the divorce, my self-esteem was in the toilet. I wasn’t genuinely present in that marriage either, although it was a far sight better than the first two. I felt like I was making progress with my “daddy issues” when he died unexpectedly just before our sixth wedding anniversary.

In the years following that loss, I threw myself into a strong period of personal growth. It wasn’t till I decided I was perfectly imperfect just the way I am that I let go of all that garbage I’d been dragging behind me all those years. Was it aging? Probably. Was it the years of therapy? It could be because I had a LOT of it. Was it because I was just so darned tired of trying to juggle the facade that I decided being alone wouldn’t kill me? Oh, most assuredly. However, the single most important difference was finding Jesus and putting Him front and center.

Then, I ran into Mr. FixIt. My dear friend from high school. We were besties…never sweethearts. He was the guy who listened to all the girls’ boyfriend problems. He’s a good guy. He’s patient to the nth degree. He’s fun and funny and loves me completely. And the feelings are very, very mutual. I don’t have to be perfect. I am sure HE has imperfections; I just choose not to focus on them. He does the same with me. It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t had to fit into someone else’s expectations, and it’s a refreshing way to live.

There are lessons in imperfection which allow us to break free of the bonds that have held us prisoner…sometimes for decades. I wish I could have had this enlightenment in my 30’s and 40’s but that wasn’t God’s plan. Mr. FixIt and I would not have this kind of relationship if it had happened earlier in our lives. We needed to have some of the hard edges knocked off in order to be the people God wanted us to be. And only then did He lead us toward each other.

💜

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

***Gratitude Journal*** Today, I am grateful Mr. FixIt and I were brought together at the perfect time in our lives. I thank God everyday for him.