“People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.”
Mad Men ~ Don Draper

Ok, show of hands…how many of you have been in toxic relationships? Ahhhh, yes…I thought so. Almost all of you nodded your heads and said, “Yep!” I have been in more than one. They don’t feel good. They are crazy-making. And, they are avoidable but you really have to have your eyes open to see them!

I’ve been having the most fascinating ongoing conversation over the last week. I ran into someone from my past on Facebook. We knew each other fairly well back in the day. She watched me go through a terribly dark period in my life. She saw me spiral out of control. She saw depression consume me. She saw me reach out for help but the help I really needed just wasn’t there. There wasn’t anything she could do but watch helplessly as I went down in flames.

I was in a toxic relationship. I didn’t even know what that was at the time. It wasn’t until much later the term was coined and a definition was given for this type of relationship. According to Health Scope Magazine, “a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. Keep in mind that it takes two individuals to have a toxic relationship.” In my case, the damage wasn’t physical…it was emotional. Disparaging comments, derogatory remarks, mean-spirited repartee described as “just kidding”. Remarks like “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but…” and “You’re not wearing THAT out, are you?” and “Well…THAT was stupid!”

The other day, I wrote about how I had been being critical of Mr. FixIt because I was frustrated about something. We all do that to one degree or another…on occasion. But, when a relationship devolves to base comments that never get better, that only tend to deteriorate and get “snarkier” and more brazen and harsh…that’s a problem. What most often happens in that situation is something called “gaslighting”. The term comes from a movie called Gaslight. In the movie, a man and woman are in a toxic relationship. He starts turning the gaslight off and asking her why she did that. He made the woman think she was crazy. Gaslighting is a terrible form of abuse and can go on for years unchecked if the person being gaslighted believes what is being said. I began to believe I was crazy. And THAT was crazy!

What was fascinating with this conversation was the third party observations that absolutely validated my experiences. That told me…I really WASN’T crazy! Well…beyond what the relationship caused. The important thing about the definition of a toxic relationship is…it takes two people to be in one. The other day I read about a celebrity who was dating a man who tickled her. She told him she didn’t like tickling, it made her feel vulnerable, helpless, and out of control…and would he please stop. He thought that was really dumb so he tickled her anyway. She broke up with him. I thought to myself, “Way to GO, girlfriend!” When gaslighting first started in my relationship, I second guessed it. I thought surely I must be mistaken. The person I knew and loved would NEVER do that. I must have misheard or misunderstood. I’m being too sensitive. Then you start walking on eggshells. Maybe you lash back. Maybe you try to trap each other and get in a power struggle to gain the upper hand and get things back in control. Whatever you do, a toxic relationship is best avoided at all costs.

My old friend went through exactly the same thing in her relationship…word for word. The same life circumstances, the same process, the same results. To have someone who knows you, who has gone through the same thing, and can say “These things happened to me, too!”? Wow! Liberation. Validation. It’s hard to describe how that felt inside.

The problem with toxic relationships is they rob you of your self-esteem…your self-confidence. They leave you feeling powerless and out of control. The first time I was able to set boundaries with someone and stick to it felt like I had just discovered fire! Such a rush of power came through me…it was totally foreign. I didn’t learn these skills growing up. I was a girl, to begin with. Secondly, I was the child of an alcoholic. I had no one to teach me about boundaries and values. It is utterly amazing to be very nearly sixty-five years old and finally “get it”. To have my eyes open.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my friend! Our conversations have done more for me than all the therapy I went through back in the day. I am so happy we have reconnected. God brings us the people we need at just the right time, doesn’t He? ❤️

“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”
‭‭James‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NIV‬‬