Past the Breaking Point

Photo Credit: Martin Klimas

Filicide. It’s something we don’t want to talk about…something we don’t understand. How could a mother kill her own children? It’s beyond our comprehension. How can someone be pushed so far that they would break like that? It goes against every grain. Yet, it happens.

There was a tragedy in West Virginia last week. A woman shot her two young children, then herself. The little boy was hanging on by a thread last I heard. The little girl and the mom are gone. I just learned last night that not one, but both children have/had special needs. I don’t know what they’re challenges are/were, but I do know what it’s like to grow up in a family with a special needs child. My brother was born with cerebral palsy and mild mental impairment. I will never forget the day the doctor gave Mom the prognosis. They told her he would never live a normal life. He wouldn’t drive or be able to take care of himself or hold a real job. She was devastated. Add to that a troubled marriage and it’s no wonder she suffered from migraines, anxiety, and depression.

About six years ago, I did a short stint as a substitute paraprofessional in a severe needs classroom at the elementary school where my older daughter taught. I couldn’t do it…and I grew up with this. I don’t know how teachers and parents keep from going over the edge. This mother had more than she could handle and she broke.

The news headline said “Let this be a wake up call.” Yes, let’s. There are few people who don’t know anyone affected by a special needs child in their circle…be it church or the hair salon or the bank or a neighbor. If you know someone, and you’ve never offered to help out, do something. A couple hour break could make a world of difference in an overwhelmed parent’s life. Take them a meal. Offer to cut their lawn. Give them a gift card to the grocery. Heck, give them a hug. Tell them, while you can’t understand exactly what they’re going through, you’d like them to know you’re there for whatever help you may be able to give them. Pray with them. Pray FOR them. If you can’t do any of these things, pray for God to open your heart to whatever He would want you to do.

My demographic here is 40-65 year old women mainly, so I guess I’m encouraging grandmas to do what grandmas do best…love on somebody that sorely needs it today. You never know who that outstretched hand may save. We cannot understand how horrible things like this can happen, but perhaps we can change the course by opening our hearts and loving people like Jesus does. ❤️

“Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭19:13-15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

 

18 thoughts on “Past the Breaking Point

  1. Good Morning Ginny
    My first husband had a down syndrome brother, but he was a lucky young man, he could dress,go bathroom,when he was 40 he had mentally of a 10 yr old.He didn’t get to live much longer, he and his Mother died when their house burn down,This young man, had a heart of gold,loved everyone, and didn’t forget a person when he met them, he couldn’t remember their names but he knew them, I am sad of these people who murders or mistreats their children, but I could understand,Thank you for posting such a eye opener.
    Have a wonderful day,
    hugs, Melba

  2. I am a grandmother raising my grandchild with grandpa. Finally adopted after 6 years of being at the mercy of the mother and being threatened repeatedly that she would take her away. Although our little one hasn’t been diagnosed as special needs, she has been diagnosed with anxiety and attachment issues along with sensory issues-none of which receive services unless paid out of our pocket. Because of this, and many other reasons I am also home schooling. She is a bright child, 3rd grade reading at an above 6th grade level etc. Very challenging emotionally-herself and for me. Life is difficult. We had to make many changes in our plans. We were so excited to be GRANDPARENTS. But we are parenting again. Refinanced our home, I couldn’t go on for my Master’s degree-we now have my student loan to pay off for my BS degree I was in process of finishing when we stepped up to be there for her. I cannot work fulltime. My husband will not be able to retire as planned-we need the medical ins. for her. It goes on and on-and people just don’t get it. We absolutely love this child and would die for her-but the stress of the behaviours and lack of sleep and so much more takes it’s toll. I am praying and really trying to enjoy this detour God has offered us-His Blessing in disguise. But there are days, weeks- that make it had to carry on. And support? What does that actually look like? People offer, and yet it is kind-of empty. “Can I help you?” Then I call and nope busy. No one has ever said, “Hey, what day can I come take***** to come play?” I have 2 people who watch her one I pay the other I love but always wonder if she’s physically safe there, 6 kids and kind of relaxed as far as supervision. But what can I do? Sometimes I can’t take her with me to work. Parenting a grandchild is not like parenting your child. There is no network of mom’s with kids to fall back on-peple hang with those their own age. People do not understand your struggle. Grandparents think it’s fun to have their grandkids-and it is-just 24/7 is not grandparenting. I always have loved kids. As a parent my house was always full of mine and everyone elses. But now. . .I’m tired. I wouldn’t change having her. I just wish it were easier and I didn’t always feel like a failure.

    1. First, thank you for stepping up for your grand daughter in a big way. Second, thank you for sharing your story with us. I have friends raising their grandchildren and it’s not pretty. My heart goes out to you and the others in your position. I have some connections in the aging industry. I’ll do some research and see if I can find some resources for you. ❤️

      1. Big Sister program? Local Sorority looking for community service projects? Church outreach for respite? Start a Grandmother’s Club with others in the same situation? Socialization is important for both child and grandparents. Hugs–many many hugs too you.

        1. I have looked into programs. Very few and far between. They generally meet in the evening and we need to stay with our night time routine or we have meltdowns. And adding to what we have without meeting needs isn’t going to work. We have 4-H, clogging(dance) lessons, homeschool group, Sunday school, Wed. night church groups, and horse riding. So socialization isn’t lacking. If I have to drive an hour to a support group what is the point? There will be no friendships that really can blossom with that distance. And I did ask to start a group at my church and was told there wasn’t a need. I guess my need didn’t count for much reason for it to be offered. Instead I was asked to care for a young mom’s daughter and sit with her ill father while that mother could get a break-beacuse I would understand the need. Hahaha

      2. We belong to a homeschool group, but I have found that others have multiple children and homeschooling takes time, little left for playdates-I do invite children to play and most often it doesn’t happen. But then my child is socially and emotionally at about age 4 not her 8 years. I’ve looked into resources, we live in a rural area and the problem is at her age people expect her to be 8 and she acts like she’s 3 or 4. They do not understand that she also needs to be “watched” She is not very good with animals and although she loves younger children, she can endanger their safety when she plays. She doesn’t think like you would expect her to be able to. And yes she has had therapy.

      3. Thanks Ginny. I’ve looked in my area and it is sparce and we have so many activities And adding to what we have without meeting needs isn’t going to work. We have 4-H, clogging(dance) lessons, homeschool group, Sunday school, Wed. night church groups, and horse riding. So socialization isn’t lacking. If I have to drive an hour to a support group what is the point? There will be no friendships that really can blossom with that distance. And I did ask to start a group at my church and was told there wasn’t a need. The biggest thing I have noted is that other adults do not want to be in the company of an intense child. Constant interruptions, chatter, wiggling, etc. It is what it is and I can totally understand the hopelessness this woman felt. There really is no help at times. Some people have resources, and others only have themselves, their spouse, and God (faith). We just keep plugging along. That mother probably felt so hopeless and believed it would never change. I’m sure she believed that no one would take care of her children if she left them behind. It is so sad and wrong. No one should ever feel so alone when there are people around them who claim to be Christians.

  3. My daughter is a teacher for special needs children. She has 14 special needs children with various problems in her classroom. Hayley is very special teacher. She loves each one of ” her children” and cares for them if they were her own. She also keeps in contact with the children’s parents ( if possible) to discuss various issues involving the children. I have a special needs granddaughter who is a senior in high school. I remember when my grand was younger an I lived closer, I would give my DIL a break to just do what she needed to do to. I saw and still see what it is like to raise a special needs child. It is a 24/7 job with no breaks or downtime. It would be easy to feel overloaded emotionally and physically. I pray I keep my eyes open and help those in need… That overloaded Mom or Dad who just needs a break of a couple of hours.

  4. My daughter is a teacher for special needs children. She has 14 special needs children with various problems in her classroom. Hayley is very special teacher. She loves each one of ” her children” and cares for them if they were her own. She also keeps in contact with the children’s parents ( if possible) to discuss various issues involving the children. I have a special needs granddaughter who is a senior in high school. I remember when my grand was younger an I lived closer, I would give my DIL a break to just do what she needed to do to. I saw and still see what it is like to raise a special needs child. It is a 24/7 job with no breaks or downtime. It n would be easy to feel overloaded emotionally and physically. I pray I keep my eyes open and help those in need.

  5. My son Kevin has down syndrome and in January he will be 26. When he was born the Doctor ,pediatrician, told us Kevin wouldn’t be a rocket scientist, but the world needs ditch diggers and bag boys too. That is the last time we went to him. Ken and I raised Kevin to be anything he chooses to be. Kevin does not work, He stays at home with me. Twice a month we have respite services. When Ken died, the superintendent of the school district where we both worked, gave me permission that as long as I work for them, Kevin can be with me. I drive a school bus. I would have had to quit otherwise. I have some wonderful Co- workers that look out for us. Since Ken has passed , we do have some behaviours that I’m going to need some help with. He does have a support person who he has had since birth who might be able to help. This is in Florida , we keep a second house in Florida to keep services for Kevin. Alabama has nothing for special needs after you get out of the school system unless you sign over all parental rights. I will never do that. God chose Ken and I to take care of Kevin for him and I’m going to do the best that I can! Although, sometimes it’s difficult. Confused? We moved to Pensacola , Fla in 1977 , bought a house , which we still own. Ken got a teaching job in Brewton Ala. in 1999. The pay and benefits were better . Kevin and I joined him in 2004, after I was vested in Fla. We then bought a second house in Ala, keeping services for Kevin. As long as we pay taxes, Kevin has services and Medicaid. We will see what the future holds !

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